Once Upon a Time, There was a tiny 12 year old fetus.
He had a raging, drunk, abusive dick for a stepfather. His mother, while kind and sweet and caring and every other Mary-Sue quality you can think of, was also a bit of a pathological liar. His father had left before he was born.
This fetus's name was Perseus Jackson.
Perseus (Percy) (where the fuck does he get the 'c' from) was a sweet, polite, if a little timid boy. However, people would just look at him and decide him a trouble maker, if anything because of his big eyes that were just totally way too perceptive and his sense of sass and sarcasm that were developed far past the age of 12. Teachers automatically hated poor little Percy. Kids picked on him because he was dyslexic. His dick stepfather tormented him endlessly. His mother worked too much, so she sent him to boarding school.
Percy's only friend at this 'Yancy Academy' was one young BAMF named Grover Underwood.
Grover Underwood, though he appeared shy and awkward and crippled to the untrained eye, was just genuinely better than everybody else. See, Grover wasn't shy and awkward and crippled. Grover was shy and awkward and a FREAKING BADASS NINJA GOAT THAT COULD SMELL OUT BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTERS AND FIND AND PROTECT THE STRONGEST 12 YEAR OLD POWERHOUSES IN 300 YEARS AND FIGHT OFF SWORDSMEN AND MONSTERS WITH JUST A PAIR OF REED PIPES AND A STICK GROVER IS AMAZING GROVER IS BETTER THAN YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU WILL NEVER BE EVEN HALF AS AMAZING AS GROVER FUCKING UNDERWOOD but more on that later.
Anyway, Grover got to the school, met Percy and was all "Woah hot damn this kid is legit he is the realist I must keep him safe so one day we can literally bond our souls together in the spirit of bromance I must befriend this fine young man and truly breathe in his ether and make sure demon math teachers don't tear him to shreds wait no fuck shit a demon math teacher has just arrived I must protect this super legit child's innocence and call my boss for help because if I break out my ninja goat skillz now he wouldn't trust me CHIRON GET YOUR HORSE ASS TO UPSTATE NEW YORK IMMEDIATELY."
So Chiron, listening to the wise young BAMF, got his horse ass there, parked said horse ass in a wheelchair, and dedicated himself to teaching young Percy (and like 30 other little shits he didn't care about) all about Latin and the Greek myths.
Percy was on a field trip when his life suddenly nose dived.
See, there was this little klepto ginger bitch named Nancy Bobofit. How this girl ever got to be popular, the world may never know. Anyway, she was struttin' about with her backup bitches, walking in slow motion as 'Fancy' played in the background (she was so rich it became her strut-theme song 9 years before it even came out like wow), and as she acted all stereotypically popular and robbed people at the Metropolitan Museum of Art when they weren't looking, she was also throwing peanut butter and ketchup sandwiches at Grover.
Now, Grover spent this time thinking to himself "Little ginger bitch just you watch later tonight I'm climbing in yo bedroom Imma revoke your stolen rights to the song FANCY and then Imma ninja slice your damn throat you watch it Nancy Bobobitch today is your last day."
Percy, being the dedicated friend he was, however, was like 'fuck you' and somehow Nancy ended up on her ass in a fountain. Percy was all like "Woah what" and Bobobitch was all "PERCY PUSHED ME" and Percy was like "I'm standing like 30 feet away from you bitchface" but remember the demon math teacher Grover found? She was all like "THE TIME HATH ARRIVED PERCY JACKSON FOLLOW ME SO I CAN SHRED THE SKIN FROM YOUR BONES PIECE BY PIECE AND DEVOUR YOUR INTESTINES AND SELL YOUR ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET"
And Percy was like "Wait what"
And she was all "You ruined Nancy's shirt your ass is in trouble follow me deep into the museum so I can yell at you."
And poor, shy, trusting little Percy was like "Okay Mrs. Dodds." and followed her inside.
RED ALERT CHILDREN THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE. IF YOU THINK AN ADULT IS CREEPY AF, DO NOT GO ANYWHERE ALONE WITH THEM.
Anyway, they get there and Percy's like 'I'm sorry?" and Mrs. Dodds was all "YOU WORTHLESS SLIME GIVE IT BACK TO ME AND THEN I SHALL DEVOUR YOU" and Percy was like "Give what back?"
And then Mrs. Dodds turned into this THING WHICH IMMA NOT EVEN TRY TO DESCRIBE AND SHE WAS ALL FLYING TOWARDS LIL' PERCY READY TO KILL.
AND THEN HORSE ASS WHEELS IN, CHUCKS A PEN AT PERCY'S HEAD, THEN LEAVES.
AND THEN THE PEN TURNED INTO A SWORD AND PERCY WAS ALL "GAHHHHH" AND SLICED THE DEMON MATH TEACHER DEAD.
And then her body be gone. And there be no sword. And Bobobitch told him there be no Mrs. Dodds. And Percy was freaking out about this when Horse Ass looked him in the eye and said "LSD is a hell of a drug, isn't it child?"
And that is the moral of this story, kids. Never do drugs! The end!
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JK. So Percy spends like the next five months thinking he's going cray and then he gets expelled from school for telling his teacher to go fuck himself or something (who asks a 12 year old dyslexic kid why they're too lazy to study for spelling tests? That dude CAN go fuck himself.) Anyway, so Percy still has to take his exams but then he hears Grover and Horse Ass talking about his impending death and freaks out and fails his exams. Then Horse Ass was trying to pep talk him but he's not good with children so he was all like "You aren't normal Percy" IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS SO THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING AND PERCY'S CRYING AND IDK WHY HORSE ASS DIDN'T JUST START PLAYING A RECORDING OF 'FREAK FLAG' FROM SHREK THE MUSICAL BUT HEY WHATEVER.
So Percy and Grover are on the bus heading back into New York City and long story short the Three Fates from Greek mythology show up and look and Percy and cut a string and he's all "what" but Grover's freaking out so he's like "Imma walk you home" and Percy's like "lol no" and ditches him. So Percy gets home and does NOT TELL HIS MOTHER ABOUT MONSTER ATTACKS BECAUSE FETUS LOGIC and his mom is all "Spontaneous vacation yay!" Except on the spontaneous vacation the freaking MINOTAUR comes to kill Percy and Sally (his mom) is like "wHELP SHIT TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO YOUR FATHER'S SUMMER CAMP BUT I'M STILL NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU" and Grover got there and ripped his pants off to achieve ultimate Ninja Goat form but the Minotaur was far too strong. So Grover gets knocked out and Sally gets killed (or kidnapped...DUN DUN DUN) and Percy was like "Aw hell naw" and then killed the Minotaur with it's on horn like a boss.
Percy gets himself and Grover to this camp and spends the next few days asleep. He wakes up and Grover is there and so is Horse Ass, except Horse Ass now reveals himself to be a centaur so the name makes a lot more sense to Percy now. There's a drunk god there but Percy is scared of him because he reminds him of Dick Stepfather. And then, Percy looks at the girl there. He stares into her deep gray eyes and just knows this is his soul mate. He doesn't know what to say, other than "hey wanna get married" or to spontaneously start singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?", but before he gets a chance, she looks him up and down, says "You drool when you sleep." then flips her hair and stalks off as 'Boss Ass Bitch' starts playing in the background.
Percy knew he must have her.
Anyway, after playing cards for a bit, Horse Ass starts showing him around this camp and telling him how the Greek gods are real and still exist and have kids to this day. He explains it all very well, but he's not understanding that Percy is a 12 year old boy who is in shock and just watched his mother die, so he doesn't understand Percy's confusion, at like, anything. He shows Percy the cabins - 12, 1 for each Olympian god. There are a few empty and Horse Ass is like 'don't go in any of them', but Percy's a total rebel because goody-two-shoes narrators suck. So he goes in Cabin 3- Poseidon- and essentially hears a deep voice rumble "COME TO ME MY SWEET BELOVED LITTLE CHILD" as a warm light shines upon him and 'Cat's in the Cradle' plays on full blast from the heavens. Percy is confused, but before he can do more Horse Ass sweeps him out and takes him to the Hermes Cabin. Annabeth (Percy's soulmate) is there, and Horse Ass dumps him on her and takes off to go teach small children how to shoot things. Annabeth is like "don't mess this up dweeb because you'll be staying here for a while" so naturally Percy trips walking into the cabin. Everyone laughs until this flirty lil' piece of hot ass named Luke is like "Guys chill Imma make Percy here part of my crew yo" and they back off. Annabeth is getting all blushy and is like "Awww Luke that's so sweet of you to help the needy" and Luke is like "Lol thanks cutie find me when your legal and we can have the sex" and Annabeth is all like "YAS LIFE GOAL ACHIEVED". So Percy is still embarrassing himself by breathing which is in turn embarrassing Annabeth so she pulls him outside to yell at him and he's like "Annababe chill I don't even know what's happening"
"Don't call me Annababe that's reserved for Luke"
"But Luke is like 8 years older than you he can legally drink right now stay away from him my love"
"Percy, listen to me. Luke is BAE. You are NAY."
Percy felt his heart get torn to shreds. Anyway Annabeth then explained the whole demigod children of Greek gods thing and got pissed that he was't taking it well and then Percy almost got swirley'd by some girl but he became one with the plumping and almost killed her. Then they went to dinner. Then he went to bed.
This continues on for a few weeks- Percy can't do anything right, Percy almost dies on the climbing wall based off the Clashing Rocks from the Oddessy (Or is it Jason and the Argonauts? Shit.), Percy realizes he's like super bad ass with a sword.
Then, after almost getting murdered twice during a game of Capture the Flag, it is revealed- A unearthly green light bathes him. A trident twirls above his head. Thousands of Seahorses fly forth and lift him off the ground, high up where everyone can see him. The ground trembles in pleasure. The horses neigh softly and bring forth intricate gold jewels and treasures and lay them at his feet. Water nymphs appear and dance around him merrily, all singing the "Ahh-ahh-ahh" tune from The Little Mermaid in perfect harmony.
HAIL, PERSEUS JACKSON, SON OF POSEIDON.
Percy, still shocked from this, is immediately blamed by Zeus for stealing his lightning bolt. (Which, of course, he didn't. Duh.) If Percy doesn't find Zeus's Master Bolt and return it by the summer solstice, the worst godly war in history will begin. (Although, like, I don't see how Zeus actually intends to win that war without his Master Bolt..? I mean it's his symbol of power. He literally uses it for everything. I feel like without it, he might not be in the best position to challenge people? idk). So Percy, Ninja Goat Grover, and Boss Ass Bitch Annababe set off on a quest. They have to go to L.A. because Horse Ass is absolutely POSITIVE that Hades has the bolt. After Luke gives them some groovy flying shoes, they set out.
They like, immediately run into Hades three torturers and literally blow up a bus.
After escaping, they try to find shelter but run into Medusa instead. Whoopsies.
Grover yells about pollution for a bit, and after a brief altercation with a poodle, our Golden Trio manages to get a train to Denver. They sleep on the train for a few days, then stop to see the St. Louis Arch. Percy almost gets murdered by an Australian Anteater, then after a whole existential crisis during which he gets poisoned, he prays to his father for help and jumps out of the Arch and into the Mississippi river.
FEELS FEELS FEELS FEELS FEELS FEELS FEELS
Anyway, Percy is all like "Oh sweet I can breathe under water this is so rad" and then a Water Chick is like "Go to Santa Monica" and he's like "I'ght"
So he climbs out of the river and he, Grover and Annababe get back on the train and finish the trip to Denver. They get there, and they walk into a diner looking all homeless and broke and starving and the waitress is all "We don't serve your kind here" in a super southern accent even though it's Denver, but then Ares, the God of War shows a\up and threatens her to feed them. He then starts acting fake buddy-buddy with Percy which Percy is SO NOT HAVING, so then he drops the pretense and is all "Go to an abandoned water park and get my shield ya little bitch bye" and leaves. The Trio gets there, and finds the shield on the "Thrill Ride 'O' Love". Percy and Annababe climb onto the ride, leaving Grover on "potential rescue duty". The young lovers are immediately overwhelmed by robot spiders, and as Annababe has a heart attack, Percy realizes they've fallen into one of Hephaestus's traps to embarrass Ares and Aphrodite. With cameras on them, filming live to Olympus, Percy controls the water in the ride and off they go! After an exciting exit (which involved Percy sassing the gods) they go back to the dinner, find Ares, and he's all "Lol thanks punk have some oreos and a free backpack also you can ride to LA in that Zoo truck over there. Btdubbs, yo mama ain't dead, she's just been taken as a hostage."
Percy is shell shocked (even though he had like 6 billion dreams telling him that she was still alive but WHATEVER)
So they get on the zoo truck and there's a Zebra, Lion and Antelope being totally abused by the truck drivers. After fixing them up, Grover tells Percy the story of the one time he wasn't a badass ninja goat- When he tried to bring Annababe, Hot Luke, and a girl named Thalia to camp. All the monsters were after Thalia (since she was the daughter of Zeus) and Grover was only supposed to bring her and not the other two. He ignored that (being as he's awesome and caring) but when the four finally got to the Camp, Thalia had to sacrifice herself to keep the others safe. Zeus was all like "Ahhh my daughter whatshername noooo" and turned her into a Pine Tree as if that makes him a great parent. Her spirit gave the tree magic powers that keep monsters out of the camp. Grover has let this event eat away at him for years, but Percy and Annababe tell him how great he is and how he's the best goat man ever. He falls asleep. Percy and Annababe take the next few moments to BOND ADORABLELY and come to the conclusion that they are friends and they're going to fight next to each other no matter what. UGH CUTIES.
They wake up in the morning and find themselves in Las Vegas. They set the animals free into the streets, ditch the truck, and wander around aimlessly for a few hours before finding themselves at the Lotus Hotel and Casino. The bellhop checks them in and they spend hours in uninterrupted bliss playing a bunch of different games. Then Percy, being way too perceptive for a 12 year old, begins to notice PEOPLE ARE THERE FROM A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT ERAS AND THEY HAVEN'T AGED AND THAT'S KINDA A PROBLEM. So he gets Annababe and Grover and they tear out of there. They check the date and find out they've been in there for FIVE DAYS because plot convenience. They hail a taxi and get the guy to drive them the 300 miles to LA.
There, Percy goes to the Santa Monica pier as instructed and meets the Lady in the Water chick again, and she's all "Don't hate your father he thinks you're pretty rad take these pearls and scurry along bye".
Percy is, once again, confused.
So the trio walks around LA for a few hours, trying to find the entrance to the Underworld. After almost getting mugged, they run into a Water Bed store that is just CONVIENANTLY owned by a Greek monster. After Percy sweet talks and then gets all Queen of Hearts on the guys ass, they find the address to the Underworld (again, conveniently right down the street) and set out.
They get there and pay Charon to let them in. They play fetch with Cerberus, the three-headed dog. They walk around, almost get sucked into Tartarus, you know, just an average day. They finally make it to Hades palace when Percy's backpack from Ares starts to feel heavier on him. He assumes it's just dread or nerves or some shit.
So, they argue with Hades, and find out that Hades' symbol of power, the Helm of Darkness, was stolen with the Master Bolt. Surprise number two? Percy opens his backpack and finds..THE MASTER BOLT inside of it! Hades tries to kill everyone, but they escape via pearl bubble and leave Percy's mom there.
They get back to shore, and Percy battles Ares (who the realize had set them up). Percy kicks his ass. Percy and Annababe have a victory makeout (jk.) (but they probably wanted to). They manage to hop a flight back to New York, Grover and Annababe head back to camp, and Percy goes to deliver the bolt.
On Olympus, he tells Zeus everything that happened, but Zeus ignores any and all of Percy's worries about a possible upcoming war and runs off to decontaminate his precious bolt. Percy and Poseidon try to have a heartwarming father/son moment but Poseidon is worse than Horse Ass with kids and accidentally insults Percy like 20 times. He sees Percy is still upset and goes "Just know you are truly the son of the sea" as if that's supposed to make him feel better. Seriously, he couldn't have just said I love you?
Percy goes to his apartment to find his mom home. He tells her all that happened and she tells him she's gonna get rid of the abusive dick.
Percy enjoys the last few weeks of summer at camp, until Hot Luke reveals that he's been evil all along, he stole the bolt and the helm, he wants to raise Kronos from Tartarus and then proceeds to try to kill Percy with a pit scorpion. Hot Luke out, bitches!
Percy obviously manages to survive, and the book ends with him and Annababe promising to get up to more mischief next summer.
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WOOOOO. That took forever to type. Has anyone stayed the whole way through? Anyone still reading? Bless your soul if you are!
Now, anyway, The Lightning Thief will always be one of my favorite books- If anything, because it introduced me to all the other ones. But I do love everything about it. The plot, the characters, the relationships, the development, the set up, the flow of the story- It's all amazing! I obviously didn't cover everything that happens in it in my synopsis, nor did I explain everything word for word. If you haven't read this book yet...Get on it. If you have already, read it again! It's a great read- funny, smart, adventurous, educational, and actually well written! And the characters are actually relatable! Honestly, what more could you want!
The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, A+ book, always worth the read.
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