MY EMOTIONS THO.
Anyway, where we last left off, our young fetus had watched his dead cousin become resurrected from a tree. Cool story, bro.
So, this book picks up the winter immediately after the last one. Percy (who needs his mother to drive him into battle) picks up Thalia (The Tree Bitch) and Annababe and they embark on a long car ride to Maine. Their friend, the Bad Ass Ninja Goat, Grover, sent them a message saying he found two new demigods.
They get to the school. Percy immediately tries to pretend he's not a total screaming mama's boy to affirm his masculinity or something. Then, he tries to play 20 questions with Thalia and she almost kills him. Friendship. Anyway, they get inside and are immediately caught by some creepy ass vice principal with a French accent, and some lady who isn't important to the plot at all. Thalia snaps her fingers and is all "I-control-the-mist-do-as-I-say", and it works to some extant; The VP is confused but doesn't totally believe them (LOL because if Hazel was there they'd have absolutely no problems whatsoever. #BetterWithTheMist.) Grover shows up, leads them to the gym, and points out the two demigods.
Bianca and Nico di Angelo. URGH.
So Tree Bitch is like "You we gotta act natural so Imma dance with the goat" and Grover's like "No you ain't gonna dance with me I did not request Jesse McCartney's 'Beautiful Soul' for yOU, YOU IGNORANT CHILD." And Tree Bitch is like "Lolz too bad" and drags him away as he yells about how creepy this is when you consider he's in his 30's.
So, this leaves Percy and Annababe some time to chat and catch up. Annababe goes on and on about her school's architecture class. Percy stares at her while she talks, thinking something along the lines of 'Dear gods holy shit she's beautiful she's the most beautiful thing to exist I mean I always knew we were soul mates but I just saw her like 3 months ago and she looked like a normal human being but now she has transcended that she is gorgeous she is legit I would let this woman murder me slowly and deliberately just because the last thing I would ever see are her eyes I mean it's kinda terrifying that she's taller than me but I literally need to father this woman's children ohmyGod her beauty is beyond compare Annababe shall I compare thee to a summers day for the sun is in the east and Annababe is in the west #IthinkThatsHowItGoes oh goodness look at the way the strobe light shines in her beautiful blonde curls and look how delicately she pulls the scarf off her neck oH MY GOD ARE THOSE BOObS??? Yes sweet score! I finally understand what a girl is yas yas yas I am Percy and I am liking this yaaaassss Annababe wait fuck why is she staring at me pleas tell me I'm not erect plese no oh wait she's waiting for commentary on her school fuck fuck shit uhh'
"I'm really glad you're happy with your school!" OH DAMN RIGHT BOYS LOOK AT THAT SMILE I AM PERCY AND I AM WINNING THIS GAME.
The two young love birds then decide to dance. As the are swirling through the dance floor, laughing and smiling and falling in love with each other, when something becomes clear: The di Angelo's are missing. They done fucked up.
Annababe runs to tell Grover and Tree Bitch. Percy looses her in the crowd, then catches a glimpse of the creepy VP dragging the kids out of the room and makes the split decision to take after them. He finds them further down the hallway, but right after being all "Hey, there, I'm here to save you" Percy gets shot in the shoulder because he is an idiot. The monstrous VP has now captured all three of them and leads outside, toward a cliff where they'll apparently be picked up.
Bianca is all "explain yo self" and Nico is all scared and Percy is trying to use the power of his no-homo-bromance-love to get Grover's help. Finally, the reach a cliff a few stories over the sea and Percy is like "Wow you know I could probs jump this" but then realizes the di Angelo's would probably die.
Bianca and Percy try to keep the creeper talking. "Luke." Percy says. "You're working for Hot Luke."
The VP sneers "He's not so hot anymore"
Percy gasps "You can't mean-"
"He lost the rights to the futuristic song FANCY, yes."
Bianca is so fucking confused at this point. She looks at Percy like "Get us out of here" and Percy is like "Yo just trust me and jump off the cliff"
Bianca now understands that she's going to die tonight.
Just then, an invisible force shoves the three to the ground. Annababe! Tree Bitch Thalia charges out with her spear and shield ready, and Grover plays some badass Bon Jovi tunes on the reed pipes to get the plants to attack. But then, the VP assumes his final form and starts blasting poison arrows at errrrrybody. The teens gasped in horror at the monster that stood before them.
He was a Man-Bear-Pig.
The monster continued the attack when suddenly (#magnuschase) a group of teenage girls just appeared out of nowhere for plot convinence.
They moved in to kill the beast with their arrows, but Annababe had jumped on the Man-Bear-Pig's back and the two tumbled off the cliff. Percy tried to run after her, but the leader of the Hunters, the goddess Artemis, told him she wasn't down there because the Man-Bear-Pig had used magic to escape. Annababe had been captured.
Percy literally felt his heart shatter into billions upon billions of pieces.
The Hunters set up camp. Artemis had requested Bianca speak with her, leaving Percy to try to entertain Nico while Grover fixed his shoulder. Nico, who was obsessed with Greek Pokémon or some shit (and thought that Percy had the dreamiest eyes) asked a lot of questions. Percy, still heartbroken over the loss of Annababe, wasn't really feeling the 20 questions game. However, before he could murder the kid, he heard a familiar tune start to play....Fancy! Percy turned in surprise and mild horror, to find a beautiful girl strutting towards him. The Lieutenant of the Hunters. Zoe (The Queen) Nightshade herself. She looked Percy over like the piece of trash he is and then escorted him to Artemis, who wanted to talk to him.
He explained everything that happened to Artemis (there was a lot to explain be real I'm not exactly giving you a play by play here). Artemis realized that an ancient monster who could destroy the gods was reborn, and she must hunt it. She called her brother Apollo to drive everyone to camp while she left.
Meanwhile, Bianca di Angelo had decided to join the hunters. Yeah, you heard right. She decided to abandon her baby brother, the only family she has, to go shoot arrows with a bunch of preteen girls.
Bitch.
So anyway, Apollo gets there and he recites some poems and is like "yoo everyone into the sun chariot party hard" except he makes a vital mistake of letting tHALIA DRIVE AND THIS GIRL LITERALLY SETS ALL OF NEW ENGLAND OF FIRE IT IS LITERALLY SUCH A PROBLEM AND PERCY WAS HAVING A TOTAL PANIC ATTACK AND APOLLO JUST WOULD NOT TAKE THE WHEEL LIKE DAMN. They eventually crashed into the lake at Camp Half Blood.
Percy immediately pisses off and almost gets murdered by Mr. D, only to be saved via the distraction of Nico geeking out. A few days pass, and the camp and the Hunters engage in a "friendly" Capture the Flag game. It somehow ends up with Percy and Thalia trying to murder each other, but they're saved from death when the Oracle (which, btw, is a freaking mummy of a woman who died in the 1960's) walks herself out of the attic, into the woods, and marches straight up to Zoe Nightshade. The Queen asks the Oracle for the prophecy, and day-um she delievers. Let me just say that there had never been character death in this series before, but the prophecy flat out says that two of the people who go to find Artemis (and Annababe) will die. Fun times, yeah.
So, they put together a team to go out. They need five, and the dream team consists of Zoe, Bianca, Thalia, Grover and...Phoebe? Who the ever living fuck is Phoebe?
They won't let Percy go. His heart shatters more. He kept having dreams of his Annababe suffering, holding up something heavy, but there was nothing he could do to help her. He decides to Iris Message Mama Sally for comfort but Woah shit damn she be putting the moves on some sexy male in the apartment that is not what Percy needed to see right now Mama noooo. However, Sally notices him before he can disconnect, and manages to distract the male friend with her ta-tas. Percy explains his predicament to her and she's like "Well just go anyway."
And he's like "Mom that's against the rules."
And she's like "Perseus Alberta Jackson that girl is my future daughter in law you need to save her immediately."
"But, mom-"
" I WANT GRANDCHILDREN, DAMMIT."
Sally ended the call.
Percy is then interrupted by his pet Pegasus, Blackjack, who is the only black Pegasus around and just happens to speak in a ghetto way. Blackjack insists Percy come rescue this weird cow snake sea creature thing. Percy, being Percy, helps the creature and names it Bessie.
Percy starts to head back to his cabin, but stops so he can ease drop on Nico ease dropping on his sister and Zoe. Apparently, Phoebe is now unable to go on the quest, so Zoe is making the executive decision to leave immediately with just the four. They break off. Nico moves to follow them, but Percy won't let him because he's too young. Nico figures out that Percy had already been planning on sneaking along, and promises he won't tell Horse Ass if Percy promises to keep Bianca safe on the quest. Percy reluctantly agrees.
He hops on Blackjack and follows the team in the camp van. He has a mini altercation with Mr. D, but that's more important for character/relationship development and not so much plot, so I won't go into it. The van makes a stop at D.C. and Percy tells Blackjack to head home because he feels bad about making the poor Pegasus fly so much. Percy now realizes he's, like, stranded in D.C.
He suddenly sees the Man-Bear-Pig heading into a building, and he's all oh hot damn that must mean something. He follows, and watches as the creature talks to the man addressed as The General. They talk about how the Man-Bear-Pig brought the wrong demigod, but No-Longer-Hot Luke manages to convince them to keep Annababe alive until the Winter Solstice. Then, they try to grow those skeleton soldiers from Jason and the Argonauts? But they fuck up and grow kITTENS. WHICH IS IMPORTANT LIKE SIX BOOKS FROM NOW. Anyway they manage to correct themselves and get the skeletons grown. One of them manages to rip Percy's shirt and now they're all intent on killing him.
He runs into the Smithsonian Air and Space to warn his friends. Then, just because, The Neman Lion freaking shows up to kill everybody. Grover protects the humans, Zoe, Bianca and Thalia distract the creature while Percy comes up with a very unique plan. He manages to shoot space food into it's mouth! While the creature gags on the shit, the hunters manage to shoot in it's mouth (It's only vulnerable spot). The lion is dead, but it's coat is a spoil of war so it stays. Zoe insists that since Percy came up with the plan to kill it, he should keep it. Percy picks it up and the mist changes its form to a floor length fur duster. Percy slides it on, and a light glows. Percy has achieved his new form. HE HAS BECOME THE MACKLEMORE.
The Super Friends escape the museum but soon realize their car is being followed (by a fucking helicopter but whatever). After ditching the car and taking like 20 different subways, they end up huddled around a fire with a homeless dude. The homeless dude smiles at them mysteriously and is like "Ayyyyy y'all need a ride west you best hop on that train" and then vANISHES WITH THE FIRE. So they get on the train and they all crash in some cars that are inside. Percy and Thalia talk about Luke for a bit, but then Thalia gets mad and demands he get away from her. Percy and Grover are sharing a Lamborghini, when Grover passes out first. Suddenly, the homeless man from earlier appears. It's Apollo, but he insists that Percy call him Fred. He tells Percy about how dreams are important and all that jazz, and puts him to sleep.
Percy has a dream in which he is a hero in Ancient Times. Zoe Nightshade is trying to help this to-be-named-unless-you-know-mythology hero sneak past a dragon and to trick her father. The guy basically acts like a sexist dick, but Zoe says she loves him and doesn't want him hurt. She gives him a hairpin that grows into a sword. When Percy wakes up he realizes it was his sword, riptide.
The train stopped in one of those obnoxious you-are-useless-why-bother-to-exist towns with like a population of 15 people who are all super into incest. Grover and Zoe go to scavenge for food, Thalia tries to find them a ride, so that leave Percy and Bianca alone to talk. Percy realizes how super cray it is that Bianca will be 12 forever. Bianca tries to explain her decision to leave Nico, and tries to justify herself, but like nah she's a selfish brat.
Anyway, there's this weird gust of wind and Grover passes out and starts mumbling about Pan. Rubber rats and paper birds come to life, it gets pretty cray-cray. Then, the freaking skeleton warriors are back. Percy let's his new found Macklemore ego take over, and immediately gets shot. Everyone thinks he's dead...And yet, the power of the Thrift Shop coat pulled through! Bianca manages to kill one of the skeletons but doesn't know how she did it.
Then, this mother fucking pig showed up.
And it's not like cute little Piglet on his way to visit Pooh and Tigger, this thing is the size of a fraking elephant. And it just swipes those damn skeletons away like they're nothing. So it goes to attack our A-Team, but Grover's all like "guys hot damn do not kill this beautiful lil bitch this is a gift from Pan we must ride it west oh yes it's a gift from Pan can't you tell how turned on I am right now"
So they end up riding it until it drops them off in like, a desert with a junkyard, and takes off. The kiddos chill around the camp fire for a bit. Queen Zoe stargazes and talks about how much she misses the ones lost to light pollution. Then, everyone manages to figure out that Bianca and Nico have been in the LOTUS HOTEL AND CASIONO FOR THE PAST SEVENTY YEARS (I'll admit I totally forget how the convo started whoops).
Then a limo pulls up and Ares gets out and almost beheads Percy (casual.)
He forces Perce inside where Aphrodite is waiting to talk to him. She essentially is like "You love Annabeth, admit it." and gives him advice and promises to make sure his love life is anything but boring. Percy sits there wallowing in awkwardness and heartache mostly. He gets out of the car and Ares is like "Your sword will fail you in battle someday soon lol bye"
The team then has to walk through the Junkyard of the Gods. They aren't allowed to take anything. Seems simple, right? Except they get to the end only to be attacked by a giant killer robot because someone took something. Who was it? Fucking Bianca.
They tried to fight the monster but nothing was working. Percy realized that if he could get inside, he could mess with the controls, but Bianca goes instead and doesn't let him argue. Good news: Plan worked. Bad news: Bianca is dead as hell.
Congratulations, boys and girls, we've made it to the first actual death in the series!
Anyway, the group, now heartbroken over loosing Bianca, hops in a van and travels west. The car breaks down at a river, and Percy leaves an " I O U 2 CANOES" note (an oath to keep to the final breath?) and off they go. Percy asks Zoe about the hero in the dream. She won't say his name because she promised herself she would never utter it again. She does, however, say that he is where her hatred of men stems from.
They end up at the Hoover Dam. Spout some architectural facts. Make some jokes. While the others head off to the Dam Snack Bar, Percy speaks to freaking Bessie, who somehow appeared there. Then, of course, the skeletons show up. Percy runs through the turbines, gets some advice from Athena, and accidentally almost kills a mortal girl who can see through the Mist. The Redheaded Nightmare, Rachel Elizabeth Dare herself. She saves Percy from the skeletons, but he has to take off before he can explain anything to her. He finally gets to his friends, and Grover starts a food fight as a distraction. Then there's this thing with giant angel statues, and they manage to escape on them. Woooo!
So the angels get them to San Fran, then take off to go party and sleep with some marble ladies in the art museum. Percy has to dress like a hobo and jump fish Santa Clause in order to find out where this monster is.
Plot twist: Bessie is the monster!
Zoe explains that there is power in killing innocence. Whoever kills Bessie has the power to overthrow Olympus. Just then, the freaking Man-Bear-Pig shows up and says that's exactly what they plan to make Thalia do. He then spends a few moments to explain his backstory that literally no one cares about, but just as the guards are about to kill everyone and capture Thalia, Mr. D comes to the rescue and drives them crazy. Grover hops on Bessie to get her safely to camp. Percy sacrifices his Macklemore powers in order to make sure they get there safely. Percy, Zoe, and Thalia head on.
They stop at Annababe's fathers house to get a car (and apparently no one thought to tell this poor guy his daughter was missing I mean damn) and drive to Mount Tam where the Titan Base is. Zoe gets them into the garden and tries to hold off the dragon Ladon while Percy and Thalia head up to where Atlas holds the sky (Well at the moment Artemis was holding it, she took it from Annababe who took it from Luke, now shush..). Zoe gets scratched by the dragons poisoned claws but she powers through because QUEEN. They get to the top, to find Annababe tied and gagged, with Luke and Atlas mocking Artemis as she holds the sky. Some shit talking goes down, and a fight breaks out.
Everything is going all fine and dandy until Ares curse is enacted and he can't use his sword. He immediately sees a new plan of action, however, and slides under the sky and takes its weight from Artemis. The battle continues, but Percy is going crazy from the pain of holding it by himself. Atlas lands a nasty hit on Zoe and sends her crashing into rocks (my heart) Artemis manages to trick him and he ends up under the sky again. Percy rolls out before he can escape.
After a brief confrontation, Thalia shoves Luke off the cliff and he falls to his supposed death 50 feet below. His army starts to attack, but Annababe's dad flies in in a freaking airplane and shoots them dead. Artemis flies them to a field where they lie Zoe to rest.
The Queen is dying; It wasn't just the poison, but also the blow from her father. She apologizes to Thalia for ever fighting with her. She tells Percy he is nothing like Hercules and he's a great man (see: whoops I broke my oath and fell in love with you.). She can finally see the stars as she takes her last breath. Artemis dissolves her body and sends it to the sky, forming a new constellation of Zoe running across with her bow at the ready. She now lives in the stars forever (excuse me, but I'm still sobbing)
They get to Olympus. There's a vote on whether or not to kill Percy and Thalia, but it ends up working in their favor. Thalia joins the Hunters and takes Zoe's place as Lieutenant. There's a huge party, and Percy gets all ready to tell Annababe his feelings for her, but then Athena comes and murders his confidence. The two end up just dancing instead.
They get back to camp and Percy is horrified to learn that he has to be the one to tell Nico that Bianca died. The kid obviously doesn't take the news well, freaks out, and runs off after Percy realizes that he's the son of Hades. They can't find Nico, but Percy promises to find him and keep him safe from Luke. Grover then gets a sign from Pan that says I await you, and the story comes to an end!
----
Okay no but like Titan's Curse is one of my favorites. I just love the plot, the set up, the developments, the characters, the flow of the story- everything! Like I literally don't know where to start or how to pinpoint why I love it so much. It's just, like, one of those books man! It gets to me! Everything about it was completely flawless! It's been one of my favorites for 6 years now, and it's obviously not going anywhere. So read it or reread it or whatever! Titan's Curse is just a great story that needs to be told! Solid A+
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